Goodnight Gorilla Review

This week, I am reviewing a childhood favorite Good Night Gorilla by Peggy Rathman. It is really hard to find a lot of fault with a book that only has 9 words in it, but if you think that difficulty of finding issues with a book will stop me, you haven't been reading my blog very carefully! For starters, yes this book only has 9 words in total. Count with me! Gorilla is 1, elephant is 2. hyena is 3, dear is 4, lion is 5, zoo is 6, armadillo is 7, giraffe is 8, and goodnight is 9! "But Josh," you say, ""Good" and "night" are very clearly two different words on the cover above. Shouldn't they be counted as two words?" Nope. "Goodnight" is what you say to somebody when you or they are going to sleep. "Good night" is what you say when you are telling somebody that you had a "good night" at the widget factory. Peggy doesn't get credit for two separate words there just because she misused them!

The setting: The strangest zoo ever that has a hyena, a mouse, and an armadillo

The characters: Gorilla, an absent minded zoo night watchman, the night watchman's wife, Giraffe, Hyena, Elephant, Lion, a mouse, Armadillo, and a mysterious disappearing and reappearing key chain

This story begins with Gorilla taking a key chain off of the stupid night watchman's belt as the watchman goes from animal to animal making sure everything is okay in the zoo. However, the absent minded watchman, who clearly has some sort of neck issue because he never looks behind him at any point in the story, is followed by Gorilla opening all the cages of the other animals. 

As you can see from the page above, each cage that is opened by Gorilla is opened with a key on the key chain that Gorilla stole. However, after each cage is opened, the corresponding key is left by Gorilla in the cage. After getting out of their cages, the animals follow the zoo watchman to his house, which appears to be in the zoo. Zoo watchman is a shitty job, indeed!

The animals follow him into his house through a door that is conspicuously left open...

And follow him into his bedroom. Somehow the zoo watchman still hasn't turned around to see the animals all snuggled up and ready to sleep. Also, somehow the lion hasn't eaten him yet. However, the zoo watchman, after a long day of not watching out for the animals in the zoo, apparently is exhausted and sleeps through his wife's revelation that there are a ton of animals in his house. She brings all the animals out and back to their cages, even Gorilla.

BUT WHAM! Look at that!!! Gorilla has the keys and key chain again! How did that happen? Did the wife not collect the keys left in each cage when she brought the animals back, and if she didn't, HOW DID SHE CLOSE THE CAGES! So what are we left to think? Evidently Gorilla pick-pocketed the zoo watchman's wife like he did the zoo watchman and she didn't realize it either? These are the worst zoo watchmen in history! I mean, seriously. Also, what the heck is that little mouse doing? Is he dragging a banana behind him? Is he Gorilla's little banana lackey? Why is there a mouse in the zoo, anyway? Who the hell goes to a zoo to see a mouse? That's just absurd. 

AH! The lion is eating that elephant! Somebody help!

In summation, Gorilla is a master pick-pocketer that thieves his way into the zoo watchman's bed. I don't get it. Children too young to read won't understand the intricacies of the human animal relationship, and children old enough to understand it can read more than 9 words. Unfortunately, Lily loves this book, probably because I add about 10 extra pages of dialogue to it, different each time I "read" it to her. She gives this 5 out of 5 stars, so make sure to pick up your copy of Good Night, Gorilla today. It can be found BEFORE Goodnight Moon in your local book store because "Good" with a space comes before "Goodn" alphabetically. SCAM! You can also buy it at Amazon for $7.19, 80 cents cheaper than the cover price above. Happy reading!

When I Was Little Review

This week, I am reviewing When I Was Little: A Four-Year-Old's Memoir of Her Youth by Jamie Lee Curtis. Funny... There is a very talented actress that is also named Jamie Lee Curtis. You would think that since that name is already taken, this author would come up with some sort of a pen name. Wait, what? This is the same Jamie Lee Curtis that is a famous actress? Why the heck is she writing children's books? This book review will serve to illuminate the rationale behind 1 of 3 of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to literature. That pet peeve is the celebrity author.

The setting: The mind of a small child

The characters: Who cares?! This book was written by somebody that can act, so it must be good!

Celebrity authors become authors of books for one of two reasons. Either they didn't write the book at all but their name is being used as the author to sell more books by a ghost writer.... or they actually wrote the book and somehow managed to get it published. I actually believe Jamie Lee Curtis did the second one. Here is a person that has been in television shows, big budget movies, and Activia commercials... but this is a children's book. How does any of that experience translate into being an author? Hint.... it doesn't.

Brilliant. Jamie Lee Curtis really has a way with words. Seriously, you gain a ton of skills and experience in one thing every single day of your life and then you turn around and do something completely different. The only reason you would do that is because you think that writing children's books is a challenge that you can easily overcome. In fact, even the President of the Untied States has written a children's book called Of Thee I Sing available at (Amazon for $12.95.) The freaking President wrote a children's book in all his spare time because evidently writing children's books is something you can do between a briefing on how everybody wants to destroy America and a briefing on how the national debt is going to destroy America.

Something I forgot to mention in that last paragraph is why celebrity authors annoy me, especially when it comes to children's books. Do you see the page above? That is a shining example of how this book completely sucks. That little girl is taking a bath and shaving her leg with a cucumber facial mask on. Could you please stereotype little girls in a more offensive way, Jamie? Why don't you have the girl baking a pie or something? 

These celebrities that write children's books do so because they think it is a challenge that they can meet, but they are completely wrong. It is not extremely hard to write a children's book, but it is monumentally hard to write a good one. Also, this child's parents let her eat Chee-tos? These are the worst parents ever. There are over 6 billion people on earth and of those 6 billion people, the most skilled and trained and experienced writers are all vying to have children's books published. They are spending hundreds of thousands of hours writing and rewriting and coming up with new concepts and ideas for connecting with children... but the celebrity author bypasses all of that hard work and studying. They jump the line because of their name and ultimately sell an inferior product to people at a higher cost.

Okay, this four year old is just obnoxious. You are four years old and you think you "know" who you are already? Wow. The process of self discovery is a life long journey that can never really be achieved. The Chinese culture has a word "kaizan" which loosely translates to mean continuous improvement. The embodiment of the term means that you never really achieve what you're searching for because you are always searching to be better at what you do. There is always a next step. There is always a higher goal that you should set your sights on as an individual person or a corporation as a whole, and this four year old little girl has reached her maximum potential at the ripe old age of four? I don't think so.

In summation, who cares what happened in the book? It was written by Jamie Lee Curtis! She was in that show that one time, so this book must be good! However, it isn't. It kind of sucks, especially when the little girl is riding in the back seat of her car without a car seat or booster. She has horrible parents. Unfortunately, Lily actually really likes this book, so she gives it 5 out of 5 stars. It is available at Amazon for $6.29: $4.00 for the book and $2.29 that pays for the celebrity endorsement. Happy reading!

My Big Girl Potty*TM Review

This week's review is going to take an in depth look at My Big Girl Potty*tm by Baby Stella*tm .... Er, no by somebody... by.... Who the hell is this book by? There is no author anywhere on the outside cover, inside cover, or listed on the Amazon listing for the book! On Amazon, it says "by Manhattan" which stands for "Manhattan Toys." That is the company that makes the Baby Stella doll and accessories including a toy called "Playtime Potty." Coincidence? Not a chance. There is no author for this book because no one person wrote it. It was written by a corporation with the sole purpose of selling more Baby Stella accessories! Don't believe it? Just keep reading.

The setting: A house (and bathroom)

The characters: Baby Stella*tm, Playtime Potty*tm, Baby Stella Rocking Horse*tm, Lullaby Wooden Cradle*tm, and about a dozen wardrobe changes

Aside from the uber-creepy looking personified version of the Baby Stella doll in this book and the fact that it was clearly written by somebody that has never written a book in their life, this book is a horrible product placement ad passed off as a children's book. It is pretty sad because the actual Baby Stella doll is actually really cute. It is the only completely plush doll on the market, and the doll available in stores doesn't have the same dead eyes that Baby Stella has in the book.

On the first page of this book, you can see that Baby Stella (available at Amazon for $24.25) is playing with her rocking horse (available from Amazon for $27.95) and her little toy bunny (available in the Snuggle Sleep Sack for Baby Stella at Amazon for $16.72.) Baby Stella is ready to learn to use the potty because she doesn't want to wear diapers anymore. She goes to use her brand new potty, which happens to be the playtime potty (available at Amazon for $15.38.)

Baby Stella then has an accident when sitting near her Lullaby Wooden Cradle (available at Amazon for $34.99), which is currently holding her Cuddle Time Sleeper Bear (available at Amazon with her sleeping set for $15.08 or you can get the bear, outfit, and cradle as part of the Baby Stella Sweet Dreams set at Amazon for $50.00 saving 7 cents) and promptly changes into her Pretty Party Outfit (available at Amazon for $15.72) before trying to use the potty again.

Eventually, Baby Stella is able to use the potty without having an accident! Afterwards, she washes her hands at the request of the narrator. She then forever throws out her diapers (available in the Baby Stella Darling Diaper bag at Amazon for $21.14) and changes into "big girl underwear" (available as part of the Baby Stella potty training set from Amazon for $13.12.) 

In summation, this "book," if you really want to call it that, is short, poorly written, and features no less than 8 different Baby Stella products. If you want your son or daughter to initiate a real world recreation of this book using the real Baby Stella products, you'd better have your charge card ready because it will cost you a whopping $195.76. That is not a typo, and it assumes that you are also purchasing the book (available from Amazon for $11.48.) However, despite all of the above, Lily loves this book even though it "lived" under the couch for about a month. She gives it 5 out of 5 stars. Mortgage your house and pick up this book and all Baby Stella accessories as soon as possible! I did!

Bear Feels Sick Review

This week, I'll be reviewing Bear Feels Sick by Karma Wilson and illustrated by Jane Chapman. Is it extremely important to remember who is the illustrator of this book. The Bear series of books are very well written and well thought out children's books, but they suffer from a unique issue. The layout of the book is controlled by the ego-maniacal and self-flagellating children's book illustrator Jane Chapman, who is likely nothing more than an art school dropout recruited by a very talented author to add pictures to a previously written story. Are the pictures good? I suppose, but my God, there are like 400 pages to a children's book!

The setting: Bear's soon to be quarantined cave in the autumn

The characters: Bear, his friends, and an illustrator who somehow manages to become part of the story

This book starts out on page 10 because the first 5 pages are drawings of a giant forest with bear in a cave. After that, there are 3 pages more of drawings of Bear and his friends on the title page of the book. After that, and I'm actually serious about this, the very first page after the title page HAS NO WORDS ON IT! There is another picture! I get it... You want the readers to visualize what is going on! Just tell the story already! I imagine that the illustrator of this book either got paid by the page or worked out a deal where she gets to draw as many pictures as she can and the editor has to figure out how to show every page. Brutal.

First page after title page

We are quickly introduced (on page 10) to bear who is sick. His symptoms include a snuffed up nose, achiness, and insomnia. We also find out that bear suffers from wheezing and a fever. From those symptoms, we are able to infer that bear has the flu, and we should take appropriate precautions to prevent spreading the illness. However, his friends come sauntering in and tell bear that they will take care of him. They divvy up responsibilities and begin to help bear feel better. Some of his friends are naturopaths, and they gather herbs to use in a tea. Some of his friends start cooking something (although it does not become clear what they are cooking). The story develops slowly as we have to turn the page every few sentences because there are SO MANY pictures like below.

Really, there is 1 sentence on these 2 pages! You do not need to draw a picture for every single line of text. We really don't need to SEE what it looks like when mouse is sneezing and hare is wheezing. We can imagine it! However, in Bear Feels Sick, no imagination is needed because EVERY SINGLE action described in the story has a corresponding picture. Need to know what bear looks like when they put a blanket on him? They got that covered. Need to see the friends cooking and caring? Taken care of! Need to know what bear looks like when he gets better? We have FOUR pages of that!!

In the climax of the book, when his friends exclaim, "we've done all we could," bear's fate becomes slightly murky and you begin to wonder if bear may die this flu season. However, bear ultimately survives, despite his friend's deep concern for his well-being. It seems his friends make crappy doctors by not taking the necessary precautions to prevent themselves from becoming sick. Once bear makes a miraculous recovery, waking up feeling "like new," we discover that his friends are now sick! Normally, I would have made sure to give the readers of this review a spoiler alert. Unfortunately, in Bear Feels Sick, they have spoiled the ENTIRE STORY already on the back cover of the book! The entire story including the very end of the book is summarized on the back cover! What's up with that?

In summation, Bear Feels Sick is a 3 page story stretched out over 100 pages by a pencil wielding narcissist that hijacks an otherwise cute story. Since Lily thoroughly enjoys flipping pages and because she enjoys the anticipation of repeating phrases like "and the bear feels sick," she gives this book 5 out of 5 stars! Bear Feels Sick is available at Amazon for $13.00, which is a steal for a book that probably took Jane Chapman 3 years to illustrate. Pick up your copy today and use it as an example of why your kids have to wash their hands after being in public and shouldn't play with wild animals. The bubon lurks behind every corner! Happy reading!